Guide on Having Baby

Lamaze classes are interesting-mainly to women. Here is where you and your wife go to learn how to do something that humans have been doing for millions of years without classes. That is, until somebody somewhere figured out, “Hey, we could teach people to have a baby the natural (more painful) way and charge them for it.” Once again, your wife is the one who’s having the baby, so the class pretty much centers around her.

Your main duties are to say, “breathe” and to massage your wife in numerous places that you probably wouldn’t normally think of, while also trying to look concerned and macho at the same time. Therefore, your goals at Lamaze class will be: staying awake, and trying to look like you’re paying attention.

Looking like you’re paying attention is easy; you probably had a lot of practice with this when you were in grade school. Just nod your head a lot and mumble things like, “Interesting,” and “Wow.”

Staying awake is a little trickier, because, as I said earlier, you don’t have a lot to do here. My secret to staying awake: keep your mind busy by playing mental games. A couple of the games I liked to play were: checking for husbands that look more confused than me, and trying to guess whose wife had gained the most weight. If this doesn’t work, there’s another sure-fire technique you can use: visualization. Sometime near the beginning of the first class the instructor shows a tape of an actual, live woman giving birth to an actual, live baby. This scene-while being wonderful and beautiful and all-is just as gross as anything you’ll see watching say, The Terminator, and really scary since this is real. So whenever you feel yourself dozing off just visualize an actual baby bursting out of your wife while you watch. This will pretty much jolt you awake for a while.

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